He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
