My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
