What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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