i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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