I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
