first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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