I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
