I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
