Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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