The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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