I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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