the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
