I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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