can u get pink eye on your cock?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through