I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
