Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
