mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
