I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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