I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
