my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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