Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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