She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
