I skipped work to stalk him.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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