I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
