when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
