You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
