Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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