false alarm. still invincible.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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