Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
