I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
