o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
