Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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