So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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