its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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