i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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