Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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