Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
