You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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