I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
