The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
