our cab driver is having phone sex.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
