if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
