I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You dont lie about slip and slides
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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