I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
