I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
