yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
