I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
