KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
