ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
