to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
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she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
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I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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