I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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