I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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