We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
