college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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