you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
