So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
