ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
