I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
