all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
