You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
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So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
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I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
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