Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
you made out with another girl for some wings
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
