I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
